Barbara Murray said, “We thought the necessary grandparent wisdom would arrive automatically with our first grandchild. It hasn’t. Questions, yes. Excitement, yes. Wisdom, not so much.”
My wife, Brown Eyes, and I were at a Palm Heights neighborhood (elevation 14’) dinner party hosted by Judy and Rick Mullins.
“What kind of wisdom did you expect?” asked our host.
“How to do long distance grandparenting well!” answered Neal Murray. “Our daughter said they need to adjust to being parents before we come for a visit. We expected to swoop in like our own grandparents did.”
“I remember our first grandchild,” said Judy Mullins. We dealt with long distances, availability, and making the most of every opportunity. We sat down and figured out what kind of grandparents we wanted to be AND what would work for our son and daughter-in-law. Has that ever helped! Our oldest is 14. Our youngest is six months. Our first distant grandchild was like riding a new bike with training wheels.”
“So how did you make it work?” asked Neal Murray.
Rick Mullins replied, “First you need to define for yourselves:
1. How you are going to deal with the distance; and
2. The kind of impact you and their parents would like to have you have on your grandkids.
“You’ll have to deal with these questions when they are babies, again during their childhood, yet again when they are teenagers and young adults. Because our grandchildren live so far away we decided to start early. We understood it’s the quality of the time and opportunity more than the amount of it that would build close relationships with the grandkids and become our legacy.
“Our toughest choices were about the impact we’d like to have on our grandchildren’s futures. All of the research says multigenerational exposure is good for kids. Heck, it’s great for us, too. Equally important, however, was admitting our grandkids will live in a very different world from our own. Enduring jobs and career paths won’t exist the way we knew them.
“Our norms may look quaint to them, like buggy whips. The shelf life of knowledge will shorten. Increased interdependence. Mountains of instant information. Discernment continually required. Greater economic polarization. Any old education won’t be enough.
“They’ll need the right learning experiences which deliver needed abilities. Global and local awareness. They will make choices we never considered. So Judy and I made the long term commitment to help our grandkids by focusing on their development of six key abilities. Our son and daughter-in-law are totally on board with our intentions. This has eliminated lots of potential confusion.
“The 6 abilities are:
1. Confidence
2. Competence
3. Adaptability
4. Life Direction
5. Self and other awareness
6. Inquisitiveness
“Wow,” said Barbara Murray. “You’re making it all much bigger than I imagined. I just want to love my grandkids and have them love me. I want to buy them teddy bears and cheer at their soccer games. We haven’t thought at all about any impact on their futures.”
Rick and Judy said in harmony, “Loving them is a huge component. We’re not saying our way is right for everyone. We simply decided that we would commit to the increased likelihood that our grandkids will live wonderful lives in a world we can’t imagine and won’t live in.
“Our legacy is much less tangible than we had originally expected. We’re constantly on the lookout for “ability-generating” experiences they can have through us they wouldn’t otherwise have. As a result we’re really close to them. You’ll find your own way. We’re only encouraging you to evaluate and act like the kinds of grandparents that you’ll be proud to have been when you look back over your shoulder years from now. For us it hasn’t happened automatically. But it has been satisfying, long distances and all!”
We will be first time grandparents in April.
I know exactly how you feel, it rips your heart out. I’m not aolwled to see my grandchildren and my sister was involved in it too. We had an argument, long messy story, but she involved my daughter who won’t even listen to my side. It is very hurtful and confusing and I wonder what she’s saying to them, I know they would miss me, I’m a fun grandma too and love them to pieced. I am just waiting for my grandaughters school to phone, I put my name down to help with reading and now, it seems, I may not be able to do it. How cruel is that?
Pedro, even long argument-based stories can be undone carefully over time. Sometimes, unfortunately, it requires the pain of waiting and simply remaining available. How are you able to keep that up?
Steve, Congratulations to you and P. This is very exciting. Keep me posted on progress, please. L and I are very happy for all of you. George
I so agree with the list of abilities to instill in our grandchildren – they aren’t much different than those that we hoped to instill in their parents. I would add humor – the ability to laugh with and at life and at times, ourselves. A lighter heart is one that is easier to carry.
Hi Veronica. My thanks to you for your excellent response. What are the steps that work for you on a regular basis to keep the heart happy? George
Nicely nicely. I’d put Kindness and Civility on the list, too. LHC
This sounds like a great rsecuroe for all grandparents-to-be. And for some added perspective on the subject, I invite you to check out this short video — ahamoment.com/pg/moments/view/1534 — to hear about the “aha moment” of one grandmother and how it changed her outlook on things. I hope you enjoy it and encourage you to also check out the rest of the site, which was created by Mutual of Omaha to highlight inspirational stories, good works, and “aha moments” of all kinds.Best,jack@ahamoment.com
Lena, thanks for the link. Checking it out!
Hi Linda, and thanks. Kindness and civility are great additions. I think they are byproducts of demonstration by us and using the abilities listed in the column. What do you think?
My first grand daughter was born just 1 year ago, I have not seen her since she was 2 mnhtos old, so miss her it just breaks me in half. But I just so worried of her emotional and mental even at her age now her single mother is and has lots of issues and my baby girl is not safe, being yelled at, screamed at top of mothers lungs slamming doors and frightening her half to death, shaken and trembling was described to me. I am really not sure of her proper diet, and I know cause it is all about the mother no routine for sleep or play love an hugs.. What rights do have as a grand parent/ a nana that just wants the joy to love her first grand child.
Painful as it may be, she isn’t your baby girl. She is her mother’s baby girl. This doesn’t mean you are powerless, however. If you think the baby is in danger you might consider seeking professional help regarding your position and the baby’s safety. Then you could act on an informed basis.
I’ve been a long distance grandma for fifteen years and am always on the lookout for ways to bond with my six grandchildren across the country and overseas. I just started a blog and am working on a Kindle book called, “Love Across the Miles: How to Stay Close to Long Distance Grandchildren.” My mission is to share some ideas with grandparents like me to help them grow close to their grandkids. I would appreciate any suggestions anyone here might offer to make the book better. Thanks!
Hi Kathy. Not knowing how “good” the book is or how you have constructed it, I don’t know how to make it “better”. Are you a first time author? If so, you might consider seeking some professional assistance in structuring and editing the book (not to mention marketing it). I highly recommend Cynthia Frank of Cypress House (www.cypresshouse.com) as a professional who can be of amazing assistance to authors in a whole variety of ways. The investment is worth it in my experience. Let me know how it goes and what all of my readers can do to support you.